English proofreading needed

[jappe]

Hi all!

I'm about to make another WoW tune, just for the fun of it.
I wonder if you can spot any errors in the phrases?
I'm looking for a possible way to express things rather than the best way.

The birth of a morning
gave a beautiful day
-In Dalaran

Duty made me leave
heart wanted to stay
- In Dalaran

In eight moons from now
my glorious return
- To Dalaran

In eight moons from now
my hardened heart will yearn
- For Dalaran


Can I use the phrase "In eight moons from now" to express both something that will happen in exactly 8 months (third stanza), as well as the time passed during the eight months (fourth stanza)?

Is it OK in a poetry context to write "Duty made me leave" and "heart wanted to stay" rather than "My duty made me leave" and "my heart wanted to stay"?
And is it OK to write "my hardened heart will yearn for Dalaran"?

[JNeffLind]

The only problem is your "in eight moons from now." You could say "In eight moons" or "eight moons from now" but putting them together doesn't work gramatically. I'm assuming you want to keep the five syllable line. Perhaps:

"Eight moons from today."

"After eight long moons."

"After eight moons pass."

The other stuff may not be technically perfect (like for a formal academic paper) but it works fine for song lyrics and many native English speakers would do the same.
"My hardened heart will yearn" is also fine.

[jappe]

The only problem is your "in eight moons from now." You could say "In eight moons" or "eight moons from now" but putting them together doesn't work gramatically. I'm assuming you want to keep the five syllable line. Perhaps:

"Eight moons from today."

"After eight long moons."

"After eight moons pass."

The other stuff may not be technically perfect (like for a formal academic paper) but it works fine for song lyrics and many native English speakers would do the same.
"My hardened heart will yearn" is also fine.

Thank's JNeffLind!

I will change it to "seven moons from now" to make it singable with the melody I have in mind.

[JNeffLind]

Thank's JNeffLind!

I will change it to "seven moons from now" to make it singable with the melody I have in mind.

No prob man. Seven moons from now sounds like a good fix.

[Olivier]

for what its worth.. i find "seven moons" having more of a mystical ring to it then eight
(ex gnome warlock with fond memories of Dalaran)

[Puckboy2000]

The only thing I see that should be changed is to add "my" before heart. Or the word "The"
It sounds a bit odd saying "heart wanted to stay", UNLESS it is too wordy to add "my" and the sentence is purposely being abbreviated.
That's just my 2 cents.

[Exowildebeest]

The only thing I see that should be changed is to add "my" before heart. Or the word "The"
It sounds a bit odd saying "heart wanted to stay", UNLESS it is too wordy to add "my" and the sentence is purposely being abbreviated.
That's just my 2 cents.

I'd say part of that problem begins with duty - heart is only applicable as an opposite to duty when interpreted in an abstract sense that might not be obvious. Love could be a replacement for heart, but that's probably too cheesy.

Edit: and what further complicates the problem is that sense of duty is usually also associated with an experience "in the heart".

[jappe]

for what its worth.. i find "seven moons" having more of a mystical ring to it then eight
(ex gnome warlock with fond memories of Dalaran)

That's true!

Dalaran is getting populated in the Legion expansion, that's worth a WoW tune
(I don't play much these days, but casual low level PVP and arenas fully equipped on the public test server I can still find the time and energy to do)

[jappe]

The only thing I see that should be changed is to add "my" before heart. Or the word "The"
It sounds a bit odd saying "heart wanted to stay", UNLESS it is too wordy to add "my" and the sentence is purposely being abbreviated.
That's just my 2 cents.

Thank's puckboy; I could squeeze "my" in without problem...hmm I recorded the takes already though...hmm...I could copy and paste "my" from another part.
Or perhaps I'll just leave it as a little flaw. Like leaving imperfection by not quantizing notes:-)

[jappe]

The only thing I see that should be changed is to add "my" before heart. Or the word "The"
It sounds a bit odd saying "heart wanted to stay", UNLESS it is too wordy to add "my" and the sentence is purposely being abbreviated.
That's just my 2 cents.

I'd say part of that problem begins with duty - heart is only applicable as an opposite to duty when interpreted in an abstract sense that might not be obvious. Love could be a replacement for heart, but that's probably too cheesy.

Edit: and what further complicates the problem is that sense of duty is usually also associated with an experience "in the heart".

Thank's Exo.
The meaning of "heart" in the "duty" context...is that the same thing as doing something "by heart"(meaning to do it automatically without really thinking?)

[Exowildebeest]

The only thing I see that should be changed is to add "my" before heart. Or the word "The"
It sounds a bit odd saying "heart wanted to stay", UNLESS it is too wordy to add "my" and the sentence is purposely being abbreviated.
That's just my 2 cents.

I'd say part of that problem begins with duty - heart is only applicable as an opposite to duty when interpreted in an abstract sense that might not be obvious. Love could be a replacement for heart, but that's probably too cheesy.

Edit: and what further complicates the problem is that sense of duty is usually also associated with an experience "in the heart".

Thank's Exo.
The meaning of "heart" in the "duty" context...is that the same thing as doing something "by heart"(meaning to do it automatically without really thinking?)

I guess that's somewhat related. I was thinking of doing your duty because you feel it in your heart. But then again, maybe one is more likely to feel duty in the brain and love in the heart or something.

[Last Alternative]

Grammar doesn't always apply in poetry and lyrics. Even some of Shakespeare's lines weren't perfectly grammatical but it makes sense at least.
And maybe instead of gave a beautiful day.. try brought a beautiful day.
Also, if you're talking about 8 months I'd say 16 fortnights or something, although that doesn't rhyme or flow at all. But to say 7 or 8 moons from now.. you're just saying 7 or 8 nights from now. Otherwise I really like it.

[ScuzzyEye]

Also, if you're talking about 8 months I'd say 16 fortnights or something, although that doesn't rhyme or flow at all. But to say 7 or 8 moons from now.. you're just saying 7 or 8 nights from now. Otherwise I really like it.

I disagree. A moon, is short for a new moon, or a full moonth.

[jappe]

Grammar doesn't always apply in poetry and lyrics. Even some of Shakespeare's lines weren't perfectly grammatical but it makes sense at least.
And maybe instead of gave a beautiful day.. try brought a beautiful day.
Also, if you're talking about 8 months I'd say 16 fortnights or something, although that doesn't rhyme or flow at all. But to say 7 or 8 moons from now.. you're just saying 7 or 8 nights from now. Otherwise I really like it.

Thank's Last Alternative!

About giving a beautiful day:
"Brought a beautiful day" sounds better. Would it also be possible to say "The morning gave birth to a beautiful day"?

About moons: I was thinking about "full moons" - I was somehow convinced that "moons" could be used meaning "months" (perhaps that's a native American thing? Or perhaps I read it in some fantasy book?)

Damn, I need to be more patient and not rush into recording until I've listened to all views.

But as you say, perhaps perfection is not always necessary, perhaps I can get away with calling my text expressionism

[Last Alternative]

I could be wrong about the moon thing having another meaning for long periods of time; just never heard of it and I don't think most people would get it- I think most people would imagine it in nights. If you could fit in ...full moons.. That would be more understood. When Indians say many moons ago that just means long ago.
I really like the morning gave birth to a beautiful day. It's poetic. I also understand how tricky it is to cram in a message with a strict number of syllables but being descriptive at the same time. It takes a real artist to do that. Remember though that many lyrics and poetry lines exceed that number at times- even the best artists do it. It's all about the flow.
P.S. Never rush a good thing... but also don't take far too long either (like I do).

[jappe]

Thank's all for the text feedback.
I'm sorry I was too impatient and recorded the vocals without waiting for all feedback.
It's possible I will re-record this, hopefully with someone who has a better voice for singing than I have.

A first iteration of the tune is here:
http://reasontalk.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=7491028